the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
the fallen saint left at 12:02 pm feels like it's been a long time since i wrote in here.
the fallen saint left at 8:00 am
managed to catch the dark knight on opening day, and i don't know if this time around the thunder was stolen - albeit unwillingly, i would think - by heath ledger's death. the first installment saw much publicity being centered on katie holmes and her relationship with the comparatively shorter tom cruise.
the fallen saint left at 5:40 am
i've never encountered a situation where one assignment brought to the surface enough problems to make the summation of difficulties we faced collectively in the past year together look miniscule in comparison, but it's now happened.
the fallen saint left at 10:49 pm
murphy's law: whatever that can go wrong, will go wrong.
the fallen saint left at 5:36 pm
have i subconsciously been turning a blind eye to reality or was it merely an unfortunate occasion that i was unlucky enough to encounter?
the fallen saint left at 2:37 am
came home today and was watching the telly over dinner, when No Reservations came on. usually i don't watch anthony bourdain's shows because i find them quite disorganized and that he makes weak attempts to philosophize on food, but seeing that today's episode featured hong kong food, i thought i'd give him a chance.
the fallen saint left at 10:03 pm
Thursday, July 31, 2008
you don't know
i hope that before people start accusing me of slacking from hall activities because of pool, they will reconsider their stand, because..you don't know how much it hurt to not have made the team last year..you don't know how much i'd always wanted to be part of a pool team and play competitively..you don't know the sacrifices and effort it requires to reach a respectable standard of play..you don't know how badly i want to win every one i play against, because i hate losing..you don't know how much i want it.so lay down your accusing finger and leave me alone if you can't understand this, because maybe you lack the desire to achieve the things you really feel passionate for.
(untitled)
hongkong was fun, but not without its trepidation and frustrations. i suppose when you travel in a fairly large group - particularly when you feel responsible for every one - these things will happen. i wonder sometimes at what general age people begin to develop an awareness of the effects and consequences their actions have on their environment, and when they will know where to appropriately draw the line to define the boundaries of acceptable behaviour in a public place.nevertheless, these are my friends and i will only accept them.hongkong also exposed the differences in mentalities of both sexes, varied further by an individual's character. it begs another question of whether in a foreign land on vacation, the foreigner should seek to integrate himself with the locals and avoid sticking out like a sore thumb and risk becoming an unwanted trespasser. i always try to travel with an open mind, and hope to pick up things i could learn that might make me a better person, but of course not all holidays need be so serious, or they would lose their meaning entirely.we're in the thick of freshmen orientation right now but i'm feeling more and more disengaged from the activities. i feel as though i have a million other places i could better spend my time at, and then some. i've outgrown such things.early morning ramblings come freely when the mind is fresh and receptive. the air smells sweet and for once the sunrise feels warm instead of threatening. careerfit photoshoot's scheduled at 9am; i hope the other guys won't be late.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
agent of chaos
much was made about heath ledger's role as the joker taking a toll on his own emotional stability. the use of drugs were claimed to either help him get into the role, or to keep him detached from it. his portrayal was marginally convincing, i'd say. i didn't buy it. it's easy to sensationalize a performance if someone's died as a result, just like brandon lee in the crow, but it's perhaps better to preserve some objectivity - i think the deceased actor would have preferred nothing less, too.and you might have noticed the time of this entry. i woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. these days i find myself sleeping significantly less than in the preceding couple of months; perhaps my sleep debt has been paid in full already.hong kong awaits in just four days. something still doesn't feel quite right. trust issues, maybe.holidays in varsity haven't been nice for me. things always happen and the number of people that these things happen with tend to be proportionate to the duration of the holidays. well done alex, trouble hasn't lost your number. it's now a year, and there're no more excuses to be made; it's time to start accounting for yourself.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
the considerable embarrassment
i feel ashamed that it's turned out this way, even though people tell me i'm not to blame. maybe it's taken a year for people to see the true colours.this whole farce really disgusts me. i really wonder why you were here with us all along.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
almost, but not quite
today was summed up by that theory - well, almost, anyway. woke up at 6am with the back of my knees feeling really cold due to the flu and fever, and i really didn't know if i should go for the league matches judging by my condition. i figured i'd give myself some time to see how it goes, so i washed up and had breakfast, then popped a couple of tablets. i was a little dizzy at first, but i guess once i got my bearings it was never a question anymore. no use staying home and feeling sorry for myself either.the journey to town was like summer and winter. walking to the bus stop made me perspire a bit, then when i got on the bus it was rather cold. so cold, that i had to keep my arms crossed all the time.when i got to the pool room, i realized my joint protector pin broke, and nearly couldn't play since the cue wouldn't screw together. lucky this lady helped me out, otherwise i really would have made a wasted trip.as if things couldn't get any worse, i had to play jerry for my first game today. i lost 7-6. he got lucky in the last rack with the 2-9 combination, but credit to him nonetheless.the only upside today was beating brian 7-4 after he got an early lead on me. we were talking about deja vu, since last week godfrey got an early lead over me before i took over and ran out. today's match against brian was more light-hearted, which got me in a spot initially, until i shook myself awake and got my head together.the afternoon ended quite disappointingly though. having skipped lunch with the teammates and rushed home so that i would be in time to watch the all blacks take on south africa, i sat through a horrible programme of blurry video feeds which concluded with the all blacks losing by 2 points to the springboks. there goes the record in the house of pain.next saturday, another 2 pool matches. hopefully i'll do better, and this time i'll be able to join the guys for lunch since the all blacks won't be playing that weekend.now to nurse that fever..
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
i'll pay for better
i'd never been to a sheng siong supermarket before and thought on my drive back to hall that i would drop by and pick up some groceries to stock up in the room, instead of going to the usual cold storage. i never knew i could be so appalled by the behaviour of singaporeans.it began right at the car park. i was about to reverse into an empty parking lot when this bastard of a driver crept right up to the back of my car and started to reverse into my targeted lot. WHO THE FUCK DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT!? i was so mad that i couldn't stop swearing even in front of my dad, and for once he didn't stop me when i said i would have confronted that motherfucker if it had been the only vacant parking lot in the car park. he's really lucky he disappeared before i parked my car.like that wasn't bad enough, my whole shopping experience was ruined by inconsiderate shoppers who consciously and nonchalantly leave their trolleys smack in the middle of the aisle, which makes it really difficult for anyone to pass through. fed up as i was already, i pushed the trolley to the side on my way pass. i figured if they don't care about their trolleys, i have no obligation to, either, and if they even dared to grunt about it i'd give them a hiding.paying for our items really topped everything off. the economy's not doing so well at the moment, right? so i really don't understand why they need to have one person to scan the items, and another to put them into plastic bags. this is such a stupid method of job creation. anyway, my dad merely asked for an extra plastic bag because we had a lot of items squeezed into one bag, yet the packing woman had to look at him so incredulously as though he was requesting her to donate a limb, before she reached out for a second plastic bag. i know we should use less of non-biodegradable products, but it's not like i'm asking for a bag for every item purchased, right?as we walked back to the car, my dad was telling me that this is how sheng siong is like. you don't expect the staff to smile at you as they serve you. i don't get it, really. i know life is hard, and for some people it's difficult even to make ends meet, but you really don't have anything to lose by being a little more pleasant to the people around you. smile a little, be a bit more helpful to the people you're paid to serve, and maybe they will make your day that wee bit better too. you've nothing to lose by offering a smile.but like what i told my dad, i'm never going back to shop at that place again. i will not hesitate to pay that little bit more if what i'm getting in return is a pleasant grocery-shopping experience amidst fellow shoppers who are mindful of themselves and others, people who at least make an effort to not step on your toes and not give you any reason to complain. i value these things more than a few cents or even dollars, and i'll happily part with that bit of money if i can be assured my day will not be ruined by my visit to the supermarket.i know i may sound spoilt or pampered to some, but i always believe when it concerns things that aren't too expensive, it's a matter of what we're willing to compromise on that determines how much we can afford. but that's another story for another time.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
i need to find that line
it was surprisingly entertaining. moreover this was one of the few times that i actually watched a program together with my parents. such times are really rare these days.what was more astounding was how i saw food in a new light. as asians (albeit i'm verging on stereotyping) used to be less wealthy than their western counterparts, their ingredients tended to be cheaper cuts of meat and all things else that were more affordable as a result of being derived from less expensive sources. those more clued in will understand that cheap cuts of meat tend to have more fats and lard, which actually lend themselves to richer flavour when being cooked. these therefore don't require such generous use of spices when cooking. the flavours brought across are hence purer and less corrupted by the added ingredients, which truth be told, were probably introduced with the original intent of masking evidence of food that is not fresh.asians also like to include carbohydrates such as rice and noodles in their meals as staples to provide energy, whilst meat and vegetables are still more luxurious ingredients to have. but when western chefs prepare oriental cuisine on what seems like relatively large white porcelain dishes, they seldom include those carb staples, and my guess is because they don't want to complicate the consumer's taste buds with a plethora of flavours. they targeted a specific flavour in their food that they want to bring across to the diner, and they eradicate all other possible distractions such that what the diner is supposed to taste is the only thing that the diner tastes.i think it is important to know your aim clearly, and work hard as hell towards it. and i think this applies to every aspect of life, because confusing instructions or ideas will only breed further chaos.and also, that elusive line. the one where i won't be affected by the on-goings of my private life when i need to be serious in my work. right now, i think between love and success, i'd pick the latter. it helps that the former isn't taking me places at the moment anyway.